What happened to me last Monday evening took me by surprise. It was a perfect moment for a run. E was asleep, with her belly round and full, there were no unfinished household duties (well, except for ironing but that belongs to a special category), I was all dressed and ready to go, the weather was not bad either…
But despite the fact that all the elements were there and the faith was on my side, I DID NOT FEEL like running. I did not want to go. As the matter of fact, suddenly I did not want to do anything at all. Just sit and stare in front of me (which was pretty much what I did for an hour or so). The thoughts playing in my head were getting more negative with the time: I am not a runner. I am not a good mother either. How did I ever get the weird idea to run, train almost daily and add distance and maybe once even make it through the marathon? What was I thinking? I am not even able to find out why my baby is crying at night, I don’t get enough sleep, I hardly manage to work… Isn’t it the highest time to cut the crap and start focusing on ONE thing at a time? Isn’t it the highest time to give up the ridiculous idea of getting back to shape and force my body (and mind) to run? The guilt feeling was growing quickly and so was the lack of motivation.
As I was sitting there, low on energy, staring and later on even crying, feeling sorry for myself, I seriously did not see any way out. That evening, I did not even walk with the stroller – just pushed E to the garden to be able to return to my sofa… and to open a package of chocolate and let the time pass till I could go to bed.
And then, after a short night rest, after just a few hours of interrupted shallow sleep, suddenly on Tuesday morning I got out of bed at 5 am and my state of mind was completely different. Somehow, magically, everything twisted around and there I was again, in running gear and all, on my way out. I ran over 8 km that morning, full hour, and it felt great. Suddenly, without any warning, I was a different person.
Frankly, I don’t know what happened and how the switches in my mind work but I better write this down so that next time, when I feel down, I can read that the bad moments always pass…
And by the way, what exactly is my problem? E was born just 7 weeks ago and I am already running like I haven’t done in half a year.